Quotes by George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Have you ever noticed anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man … living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.